The Holiday Stress

John came to session and was upset about what he had to do over the holidays because of the pressure placed on him by family members. John gets upset because he feels his extended family believes he is working the system. John is unable to work because of his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and is getting Veterans Administration (VA) disability. John has a combat tour in Iraq and another in Afghanistan and spent 2 of his 6 years in the Army deployed. He now lives with decisions he had to make while deployed. I am in constant awe of what some of our veterans have endured throughout their young lives. John is only 29 years old and has seen and done more than folks three times his age. John deals with his issues concerning his family by isolating, especially over the holidays. John chooses not to participate in the gatherings whenever possible because of the way he perceives his family feels about them.

John has spent a lot of his time being alone because of his shame, guilt, and pain of his time in combat. Isolation is a huge sign of depression and the holidays tend to be a trigger. John must travel for the holidays and one of his triggers is driving. He constantly feels pressure from family members to come to the gatherings causing him more anxiety. John feels he is looked down on by family members because he hears comments about him milking the system. John struggles with the way he is being treated and wants to tell them why he is in such pain, but he is too ashamed and feels guilt for what he did in combat. What makes it worse is family who talk about him are very religious and John had to kill people to make it home alive. He is worried about how he will be perceived by his family this year. He feels that if he told them that he would be criticized more for his PTSD.

Most families have no idea how to support their veterans through the holidays. I have researched and found 5 things Geoff Millard; a fellow veteran believes you can do to help your veteran with PTSD through the holidays.

1) Understand why the holidays are hard for veterans. Veterans often deal with “Moral injuries”, having to be OK with what you had to do to get back home, this is especially hard when you are in a religious family where there is a lot of judgement. Survivors guilt is another issue many veterans struggle with. The loss of a loved one in combat can play a huge part in a veteran not wanting to enjoy the holidays. Many families don’t understand the intimacy in combat units can rival the intimacy the military members have with their spouses and families.

2) Communicate with the veterans in your life. It is always best to communicate. Families need to know what the veteran’s needs are, what their fears are, how they want to be supported. Be prepared to hear the unpleasant because they might need something you don’t want to do. The reality might be is you are a part of the problem.

3) Never shame or “guilt trip” veterans. Often veterans can’t do things they used to do both physically and mentally because of their physical pain. Don’t shame them for the inability to do fun things, especially involving crowds. Some veterans have physical ailments and can’t chase the kids around or play with them the way they used to.

4) Prepare family members before any visits. Talk to the veteran first about what you plan to tell other family members. Ask your veteran what you can and cannot tell others about their private business, especially if it is related to medical conditions. Also discuss the need to bring up alcohol if it is an issue for the veteran. Remember do not tell stories or things that are not yours to tell. If you tell too much it can cause stress for the veteran and an erosion of trust between you and them.

5) Find new traditions. Do not give up on having fun during the holidays, but instead build new traditions as you grow together. Look for ways to do things different. These changes can be as simple as no black Friday shopping, eating desert first at holiday dinner, not going to extended family gatherings, there are multiple things you can do to help them not feel guilt for their inability to do what families see as normal.

It is important to be creative, and above all do not give up on each other. Veterans struggle with the holidays for reasons that are often not their fault. It is helpful if you choose to adapt to their needs instead of forcing them to do what you want them to do. Try not to place them in a bad situation that might cause a trigger and ruin the holidays for all involved.

Have a great holiday and enjoy your time together!

For questions or comments, I can be reached at bo@afterdutyvets.com or visit our website at afterdutyvets.com.