Some Veterans Struggle Over the Holidays
Everyone wants to enjoy the holidays, but for some veterans and their families the holidays are the most stressful time of the year. JoAnn’s family is one of those families. Joanne’s husband Steve, is a veteran who gets depressed and becomes aggressive over the holidays. Steve is triggered around the holidays and tries to stay away from extended family. Steve’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) holds him back from enjoying the holidays, and in turn causes JoAnn to dread the holidays. What Joanne is dealing with is not abnormal, thousands of families suffer from someone’s PTSD over the holidays. What’s different is Steve’s PTSD did not come from the military but his childhood. Every Christmas Steve must face the people who abused him as a child. Like so many people who have been abused by family members, Steve did not tell anyone about the abuse because of the shame, guilt and threats by the abuser.
Like Steve, many people join the military to escape their home situation. Steve was raised in a domestically violent household and was abused by his uncle at age 8. Steve saw his mother beaten on several occasions, and he was the brunt of the abuse on multiple occasions. Steve, being the oldest of 3 children, felt the need to run interference for his siblings to protect them. At age 18 Steve had enough and went in the Army to escape the abusive situation. Steve now struggles with the holidays because he is pressured into spending time with those who abused him. He has guilt and shame to go along with his PTSD due to the abuse.
Many of those who were abused harbor ill feelings toward other family members who should have stopped the abuse. I have worked with multiple veteran’s who joined the military to escape their situation whether it’s domestic violence or sexual abuse. By forcing veterans to visit their families you may be triggering events that you did not know about, or understand. Some spouses know what happened to their veteran during childhood, but wonder why they struggle to attend family events with their family who did nothing to them. The veteran could be feeling they are betraying their family by spending time with yours and not theirs, often this puts them in a tough emotional situation.
As a therapist I understand all the different situations and the makeups of family systems. Families can be tough to deal with on a regular basis, add in the expectations brought on by the holidays and excess stress can become intolerable. The holidays can be a favorite time of the year for some, and the worst time for others. If your veteran struggles over the holidays there is usually a reason. Whether it comes from combat or childhood trauma, there are triggers everywhere for those who suffer from PTSD. By understanding the reasoning behind not wanting to go to family events and crowds, it can make both your lives easier and save a lot of frustration and fear for both of you. Just remember not all PTSD comes from military service. Some comes from family situations that has nothing to do with you or your family. The holidays can be tough on everyone, but it can also be a time of joy and happiness. If you or your spouse struggle over the holidays, please get help because you deserve to be happy and enjoy the holidays.
For questions or comments, I can be reached at bo@afterdutyvets.com or visit our website at afterdutyvets.com.