Comparing Trauma Can Be Harmful
Kevin and Katrina have been married for 10 years. Kevin is a medically retired Army veteran with 3 tours in Iraq. According to Kevin and Katrina, Kevin appeared to be doing OK until he was medically discharged from the Army for his Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) and Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) and lost his purpose and identity. Kevin has struggled to maintain any kind of employment and feels the pressure to keep a job from Katrina. Kevin also feels the pressure from her family because he is not “providing” for his wife. Katrina is a few years older than Kevin and was raised by a Vietnam veteran, William, who she adores and feels can do no wrong.
After discussing Kevin’s situation with him and his medical retirement I started to dig into the issues he is having concerning his PTSD, TBI, and family. Kevin feels Katrina is being too hard on him because of his PTSD and not understanding his struggles. Kevin feels Katrina is comparing his experiences with her father’s because he was in war too. Kevin suspects William has PTSD and has been hiding it for years because he has seen some of the signs in William, but Katrina refuses to see it and always changes the subject. Kevin believes William is playing a part in Katrina’s hard-core feelings about Kevin’s PTSD and his inability to hold down a job.
Kevin describes how Katrina continually calls him out for not wanting to go anywhere or do anything. She continually tells Kevin to get over it and move on. Katrina believes her dads wartime experiences are comparable to Kevin’s. She reminds Kevin that her dad had been through Vietnam and was ok and that Kevin should be OK also. Kevin struggles to visit Katrina’s family with her because he feels he is being judged because of his PTSD & TBI by them.
William talks down to Kevin every time he sees him. Kevin stated that the tension can be felt as soon as he walked into the room with William. William has even told Kevin, I’ve seen combat too, I was able to get on with my life, not become a victim, and depend on the Veterans Administration (VA) for a paycheck. William reminds Kevin every chance he gets that he came home and was treated like crap by society, but he refused to let it bother him and moved on, and Kevin should do the same. William had gotten a good job as a heavy equipment operator and had made a decent living. William admitted to Kevin that he does struggle with his own issues but found a way around them and Kevin needed to do the same.
What William does not understand is Kevin’s PTSD goes back to his childhood. Kevin went into the military to escape the abuse he took in the foster care system as a child. Kevin went into the Army with PTSD and his service exacerbated his symptoms. William appears to not care about Kevin’s background and feels he should grow up and be a “man” and take care of his daughter. It is interesting that Katrina does not like the way her father is talking about Kevin, but she continues to harp on Kevin about not being able to get past his PTSD.
What Katrina cannot understand is she was drawn to Kevin because of his PTSD. Katrina can live with Kevin’s PTSD because she sees the same things in her father - the outburst, the secrecy, the triggers, the lack of empathy, and the signs of narcissism. Katrina has seen all of it before and believes if her father could get past it, so should Kevin. What Katrina does not understand is she is doing more harm than good to Kevin’s psychologically. Katrina is what we call a “bootstrapper” She believes Kevin should just pull himself up by his bootstraps and move on just like her father did. Katrina is making a big mistake because she is comparing Kevin’s PTSD to her father’s. The problem is they are a lot different and she can’t see it.
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