Giving a Pass is Not Always Best

Dave served in the Air Force for 6 years and has a combat tour in Iraq. He struggles with his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of a roadside bomb that hit his convoy while in a supply convoy. Dave’s PTSD is well known throughout his family and his small town. Dave has been pulled over by the local police several times for a Driving under the Influence (DUI) but was given a pass because of his military service and PTSD. They would make him park his car and drive him home, there were no repercussions for his actions. Dave has been self-medicating for years, using alcohol while trying to live with his PTSD. Dave looks back at his time in the military and remembers the stigma in the military for seeking mental health help. Dave hangs on to the idea that it is more acceptable to drink than go see a “shrink”. Dave had support in the military from his buddies, they helped him hide the seriousness of his drinking while he was in. Dave understood the ramifications of a DUI in the military but seems to have forgotten them once he got out.  Dave felt like he was alone once he separated, he drank alone, and pushed his family away. Dave’s first DUI pass happened while on his way to get more alcohol. Dave saw his drinking as a way to deal with his PTSD. But self-medicating is not helping, it just caused a larger problem.   

Often, people feel they are doing the right thing by giving veterans a pass for their discretions thinking it would help. Self-Medicating is a huge issue in the veteran culture for those with PTSD. Self-medicating causes a host of issues people overlook because of their service to the country. Dave keeps getting passes for his actions because people feel “sorry for him” because of his combat PTSD. Dave’s spouse, Darlene even allows Dave to drink around the children, when Dave acts up, she blames the war, not Dave for his actions. Darlene is not alone. So many people give folks with PTSD a pass because of their own guilt of not sacrificing themselves. So often spouses feel they can’t leave the spouse with PTSD because they will be leaving a “war veteran” or leaving “a tortured soul”. Darlene feels stuck but continues to coddle him and make excuses for him even though Dave has become a danger to himself and others because of his drinking.

Others in society give Dave a pass, this includes the local police. This is especially true in a small town where everyone knows everyone. Dave could get the help he needed if people would just force his hand and hold him accountable for his actions. Dave should have spent a lot of time in jail because of his DUI stops, but he has gotten a pass by the police. Dave might have gotten help if Darlene had left with the children vowing to not come back until he is better. Dave keeps getting passes from his family, community, and police endangering himself and everyone in the community.

What so many people forget is the cost for giving a pass to someone who needs help. This cost can be the children in the home getting PTSD from domestic violence cause by substance abuse, to believing the parental relationship with alcohol is normal. It is also an issue because if the police or society give a pass for the DUI or the physical assault caused by the misuse of drugs or alcohol will make the person believe he/she will get a pass and keep doing the negative behavior.  By giving the pass they are being enabled making it ok to behave badly. In the end there is a larger cost to society. Your guilt or feelings of shame are not warranted and can cost yourself and society dearly. If Dave had not been given a pass for all his transgressions, he might be alive today. Dave was killed while driving while drunk. I did not know he was struggling, he lived in Ohio and we did not stay in constant contact. I had not talked to him in 2 years and found out we lost him after a phone call from another buddy. Darlene called me a couple of months after his death and told me his story and what happened. We lost Dave because no one held him accountable for his actions. It might be easier to let things slide. It might even make you feel better because you “cut someone a break” but in the end, giving a pass is not always best.

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