Think of Those Who Sacrifice for us Over the Holidays

Jack is a Marine with two tours in Iraq and struggles during the holidays. As a mental health clinician I see problems the general public don’t see, or want to see. The holidays are especially stressful to some military and veterans families, especially those dealing with deployments and the aftermath of those deployments. Being a combat veteran myself and being deployed for the birth of my second son, multiple Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, ball games, recitals and anniversaries I understand the difficulties faced by these troops and their families. Jack was deployed to Iraq during the holidays for both tours and struggles this time of year. During his second tour his patrol was attacked resulting in the death of his troop Javier. Jack blames himself for the loss, he feels he didn’t have his “head in the game” because he believed he was distracted because of his family and lives with Javier’s death every day.  

Jack described the re-occurring thoughts and dreams of Javier’s death, who died in his arms two days after Christmas. He continually thinks of Javier, especially around the holidays. He has seen others die but he is especially troubled with Javier’s death because he knew him well, feels responsible, and he had a wife and two children. Routinely he contacts Javier’s widow to check on her and the children. Every Christmas he sends Javier’s family presents. He wears a bracelet with Javier’s name on it as a commitment to him and a reminder of his perceived “failures”.  Jack is consumed by survivor’s guilt and feels he doesn’t deserve to be happy, Javier’s children don’t have a father “because of him”. That is a tough thing to live with every day of your life. Every day he tries to cope while struggling with his own family and feeling guilty he is alive.  

Not all of us have a story like Jack’s. Many veterans have missed the holidays due to their service. One of the biggest sacrifices in the service to our country is the families of those deployed, they continually get overlooked. With deployments continually happening over the 12 years after Desert Storm and the 16 years of war, many military families have had to deal with 28 years of multiple deployments to the Middle East and various other locations. Many families are used to their loved ones being gone over the holidays, it’s what’s required and what they do.  During my 20 years in the Air Force I only missed 3 Thanksgivings and Christmases because of deployments. Those deployments were tougher on my family than me, I was too busy and continued to work.

In allot of cases the families continue to move on, some feel guilt, some are angry, some are use to it, and some struggle to hold the family together. The holidays are always a stressful time of year for most families, place a loved one in a war zone and the stress is three fold. Some visit relatives while the member is deployed, some stay at their military base or in their community. Either way these families are struggling to hold their relationships and children together. Many younger children do not understand why daddy is not home for the holidays, it’s hard on everyone. 

Jack is working on moving forward in his life, he is finally getting counseling, but many veterans continue to struggle beside their families. Jack is lucky, his wife is very supportive and understanding. She has every reason to leave but doesn’t even though he is not the man she married. She is just as brave as Jack.

I would like everyone to think about those military members, families, and veterans who are serving or served our country over the holidays. Think of those families who’s loved ones are deployed. Think of those families that have lost loved ones and will never have them home again. Think of those that were wounded and will never have their life the way it was, and also think about those that have lost their buddies and live with the guilt. Think about the spouses and children of those who went to war and came back a different person. To some veterans and their families the holidays are tough on them. If you know of a friend or family member struggling, encourage them get help, it’s just a phone call away. Support them when you can, especially the holidays.

For questions or comments, I can be reached at bo@afterdutyvets.com or visit our website at afterdutyvets.com.