Thank a Spouse

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As I walk around town I am constantly thanked for my service.  I have noticed how little our spouses are recognized for their service to the country. There’s no way military members can go to war without their spouses or families dealing with the day to day issues at home. After working with veteran families for years I have noticed how often spouses live through turmoil because of the baggage that comes from just being in the military. It doesn’t matter if someone has a disability or not, veterans have quirks that civilians don’t have.

One of the biggest problems many spouses face is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). I constantly hear from spouses who believe they are married to PTSD and not their spouse. Spouses have been struggling for years being married to PTSD and not understanding what to do or how to live with it. The inability to get help from the VA is frustrating for spouses and leaving them nowhere to turn. Spouses continue to look for help and often have very few options. Often Vietnam veteran’s spouses believe incorrectly it is too late for their veteran to get help because of the amount of time that has past. Spouses struggle with the demons their vets live with not knowing what the demons are. Veterans struggle to disclose those demons to their families for fear of being too vulnerable. These mental health demons brought on by war can cause spouses to question their relationships. Often being married to PTSD ends in a divorce because the spouse does not understand the reasons behind their spouse’s behavior related to PTSD. A study by the VA suggest veterans with PTSD were three times more likely than Veterans without PTSD to divorce two or more times. Often marriages end because spouse feels they do not have the person they married as the demons come to the forefront.

We often hear, what can we do to help our veterans, helping spouses is the key. It is not easy for a spouse to live with someone who has a mental health ailment. Often the issues they face are directly correlated to what the veteran is going through. The VA is starting to see the need to help spouses but has a long way to go. If you ask the VA they will tell you they see spouses. What they don’t tell you is the veteran has to be in treatment for the spouse to get help. The VA needs to understand the key to helping veterans is helping the spouse understand the mental health issue that is PTSD.   

With the newest wars many spouses stayed home while their spouses are deployed, many have children and become single parents while their spouse is gone. Raising children alone is one of those tough jobs spouses are left with. These children must go through years not having both of their parents around. Many of today’s veterans have deployed multiple times some for 12 to 18 months at a time. It doesn’t matter to a child if their parent is serving their country or not, all they know is their parent is gone for an extended period missing birthdays, holidays, and special events. It’s up to the spouses to keep the children calm and keep them mentally secure through troubled times for them. These spouses deserve a medal for what they are doing and continue to do.

Whether the spouse was married while the veteran was serving or not, spouses have taken on a service to the country by marrying and taking care of our veterans. I challenge everyone to thank a spouse also when they thank a veteran. These spouse have been putting up with the veteran’s foibles for years brought on by their spouse’s military service. Working through difficult times as veterans age, their demons start to arise as retirement age comes to the forefront. Living with a veteran alone can be stressful at times, add in PTSD, dealing with the VA or other ailments caused by military service can make the relationship more stressful. It does not matter whether the spouse is the veteran’s first, second, third, or even fifth marriage, all veterans have some residual military traits that they carry into their relationship. Throughout the year when you see a military veteran with their spouse, thank the spouse too.  Spouses have earned the respect and recognition because most veterans can’t make it without their spouse to hold everything together. So the bottom line is when you can…. thank a veteran’s spouse.  

For questions or comments, I can be reached at bo@afterdutyvets.com or visit our website at afterdutyvets.com.