Couples Suffer over Combat PTSD
Source: Flickr
Since I started writing my newspaper column I have been contacted by several spouses that live through their veteran’s nightmares caused by combat. Julie is going through these nightmares with her husband, Lee. Julie has been struggling with his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), but Lee refuses to let her know the details of his nightmares or the event that caused them. This is normal in many Vietnam veteran relationships. Often these veterans still struggle with the guilt and shame of what they had to do over 40 years ago. Lee feels she knows enough to understand why he has nightmares and that is all she needs to know. Julie knows his issues are from the war, but little else about his military service in Vietnam.
Most spouses and close family have earned the right to hear their veteran’s stories, still vets struggle to tell the whole story for fear of being judged or losing their relationship. Many combat veterans lose their temper, have nightmares, flashbacks, and isolate, among other things. Vietnam veterans were treated badly when they returned. It is hard to blame them if they feel they need to isolate to survive and feel safe because of the way society treated them in the past. Some of these veterans are finally coming forward to work things out with themselves and their families. Many veterans spend time at the local veteran Service Organizations (VSO) such as the American Legion, Disabled American Veterans (DAV), American Veterans (AMVETS) or the Veterans of Foreign War (VFW) because they know they will not be judged there. They feel safe and understood at the VSO’s, those who don’t work out their issues or spend time with other veterans tend to isolate.
Isolation of these veteran’s cause depression and a host of other issues. Many do not know that flashbacks can be caused by the sight, smell, and sounds that take them back to the event. Helicopters and loud noises like fireworks can cause flashbacks. Struggling in crowds is another major factor of PTSD veterans. Many veterans need to sit with their backs to the wall within sight of the door to feel safe, when I go out with people who have PTSD I let them choose where they sit.
Like our veterans today Vietnam veterans severely struggled when they returned home. An astonishing 38% of Vietnam veteran marriages failed within 6 months of their return home. It is unclear what the future holds for our newest veterans, it’s too early to tell. The overall divorce rate among Vietnam veterans is higher than the general population which is not surprising to me. It was found that 42% of them had committed at least one act of violence against their partner in their first year after their return and 92% committed at least one act of verbal aggression within that year. The severity of PTSD symptoms was directly related to relationship problems. Many spouses do not want to leave their husbands but have to, out of self-preservation. Most of the problems equate to a lack of communication and understanding. Usually the veteran does not want to discuss what is really bothering them and spouses struggle to understand why. The answer usually is vulnerability, veterans must be vulnerable to get past their PTSD. They are concerned their spouse will not understand or judge them.
As our newer veterans continue to come home they will continue to struggle until they get help. Vietnam was the first war to where the veterans were home within hours of leaving the combat zone. During WWII and Korea, veterans had a long ship ride across the pond with their buddies to decompress. Today’s veterans do not have time to process their actions with others who have similar experiences. Like Vietnam veterans, today’s veterans are returning home and their families are expecting them to pick up where they left off. The expectation is unrealistic both physically and mentally, war changes a person to their core. Many veterans choose to spend their time with those they feel understand them. Often that is other veterans at the local VFW or American Legion. Often spouses don’t understand and it causes a rift between the two and their relationship. We are on the verge of yet another generation of veterans who have been to war multiple times and come back changed. I believe we can expect another 50 years of this type of situation if we don’t take the necessary steps to teach couples to live with PTSD. There are tools out there to help, please seek couples counseling, coaching, or educate yourself about PTSD. It’s cheaper than a divorce.
For questions or comments, I can be reached at bo@afterdutyvets.com or visit our website at afterdutyvets.com.