Families suffer from Veteran’s PTSD

Julie is the spouse of a Bosnia veteran. Michael served in Bosnia when the United States was on “A Peace Keeping Mission”. Julie does not understand why he struggles but believes Michael might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Julie incorrectly believes Michael has never seen combat because he was on a peace keeping mission. She has never pressed Michael into discussing his negative experiences, like many spouses she hears the positive and funny experiences but the bad experiences are left out. Michael is like many veterans, he discusses the fun things done in the military, leaving out negative experiences is the norm.

Julie notices her frustration builds when Michael refuses to attend her work events and parties. Julie continually feels embarrassed and makes excuses for Michael’s lack of attendance. Julie does not understand why Michael refuses to attend her work social functions. Her co-workers joke around with her and tell her they don’t believe she is married because no one has ever seen Michael. Julie is Michael’s second wife and was not married to him when he was in the Army. Michael divorced his first wife shortly after his return from Bosnia for reasons Michael said he could not explain.   

Michael continues to struggle and has been struggling for years with multiple (PTSD) symptoms which he refuses to acknowledge. Michael has refused to go to the Veterans Administration (VA) or any other mental health counseling for help because “there is nothing wrong with him and Julie is over exaggerating his symptoms”. Michael has attempted suicide on 2 occasions and displays risky behavior such as drinking and reckless driving, affairs and even drinking at the gun range. Michael has been unable to hold a job and uses alcohol to help deal with the nightmares and hypervigilance. He knows Julie is getting to the end of her rope. Julie just wants the person she thought she married. She feels fortunate that they do not have children and questions marrying Michael.

Many military and veteran’s spouses do not understand or want to understand PTSD. Veteran and active duty spouses and children continue to suffer from the effects of PTSD long after the wars are over. In many cases PTSD victims are growing in number because the family is living in a heightened state of arousal. Spouses and their children can develop PTSD from being married to PTSD. Many times there is domestic violence, and violent nightmares causing the spouse to be attacked by her veteran. It has been proven children living with a veteran have more behavioral problems. These children see domestic violence, use of drugs and alcohol, and can live in a very volatile situation. There is a good chance these children will grow up with high anxiety. These children take their “normal” into their adult relationships causing the symptoms of PTSD to move from generation to generation. Some worry about what is happening to their children and don’t know what to do.  Many spouses feel they can’t stay and they can’t go. What will their families, co-workers, and society think if they leave a struggling veteran, worse….a ‘hero’?  

It is important that military members, veterans, and their families seek qualified professionals to educate them concerning PTSD. There are several places to get help, the question is who is doing the education? Counseling is the best option, but many veterans like Michael will not go to counseling due to the stigma. Another option is friends and the internet. So many times spouses do not want friends to know how they feel or how bad things in their family have gotten. The internet can be non-intrusive and informative under the right circumstances but is full of inaccurate information given by non-professionals. Just because something worked for one family does not mean it will work for your family. Good professional internet resources can help families understand abnormal PTSD behavior. Knowing the source and vetting the source is important. Becoming educated about PTSD can help in the healing process for both the veteran and their families, but it can seem overwhelming. Learning what to do is important, it is more important to know how to implement what has been taught. This is the problem with many sources on the internet they tell you what to do, but not how to do it and what to look for.   

Often veterans do not trust the VA because they have been treated badly by their government and the VA is just another branch of the government. A spouse must understand that mistrust is a major problem for those suffering from PTSD. When spouses are armed with education and love, they can be a great motivator in her veteran getting help. But love is not enough! Since the VA does not work with families unless the veterans is in treatment, the spouse must often go it alone. It can be a long journey, but PTSD can be managed.  If you feel you are “Married to PTSD” rather than the man you thought you married, reach out for support and education.  Julie sought help from a qualified professional and now understands why Michael struggles to attend her work related events. I worked with Julie for months and helped her notice Michael’s PTSD symptoms and implement strategies to help their relationship. Julie now knows what she sees and what to do about it when Michael’s PTSD symptoms flare up. Today, Julie can say to her co-workers that Michael does not like crowds and she can move on without feeling that Michael is letting her down. The education and understanding how to implement what she has learned has helped their relationship. Julie is working on not being resentful because she understands why Michael needs to control his environment.

For questions or comments, you can contact me at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit my website at www.afterdutyvets.com, and subscribe to my YouTube channel After Duty Vets or like us on Facebook at After Duty Vets.