Telling Your Story Can Be Important
Vicki is the spouse of a Vietnam veteran. She is Sam’s second wife and they have been married for 20 years. When Sam and Vicki were first married everything was great. As they began to age Vicki started to notice Sam’s demeanor changing. Major changes in Sam’s attitude came about a year after he retired. Vicki confronted Sam on his behavior, Sam told her there was nothing wrong, she was being over sensitive. Vicki disagreed with Sam and turned to his 40-year-old daughter Samantha because she needed to enlist her help to get Sam help. Vicki told Samantha about Sam’s recent increase in alcohol use and how she worried Sam was headed down a bad path. Samantha confronted Sam about his drinking which made Sam mad. Sam really became upset when he found out Vicki had been talking to his daughter about his “alleged” problem that he felt did not exist. Vicki, felt she had done what she needed to do and stood her ground. Was Vicki right to talk to Samantha? Did she tell her too much? How much or how little you tell someone depends on the situation, and every situation can be different.
Being effective at telling your story is an art. It can be difficult to tell family members what is happening with your relationship. In Vicki’s case she told her step-daughter Samantha what was happening with her dad. Sam’s drinking had increased since he retired. Vicki disclosed to Samantha that Sam had started spending more time at the Veterans of Foreign War (VFW) drinking than he spent with her. Sam had never treated Vicki this way until recently and Vicki was at a loss as to what to do. Vicki did not turn to her children because they might not understand that Sam’s PTSD had re-surfaced since his retirement. Vicki turned to Samantha because Sam and Samantha are so close, he might listen to her. It appears the idea to talk to Samantha backfired. Sam felt Vicki told his daughter too many details about their relationship, making the situation worse. Learning how to tell your story is important, even to family. Often details are not important so leaving them out is OK. Telling family your situation is one thing, but explaining to a friend is another.
It can be embarrassing for friends to know what is going on in your relationship. It’s hard for Vicki to explain why Sam doesn’t accompany her to events anymore. Vicki made excuses for Sam’s absences for months. After a while she stopped going to events because she did not want to explain her situation with Sam to her friends. After a while Vicki felt she needed to explain what is going on with Sam, unlike Samantha this time she left out the details. Her friends understood and started to engage Sam hoping to help. It is human nature to want to explain the details. It can be hard to leave them out and it takes practice. The real struggle comes when you have to explain to a stranger your situation.
At times there is a need to tell a stranger your story. For instance, a therapist, or other helping professional or another wife dealing with the same issues. A random stranger on Facebook does not have a need to know. Opening up and sharing our story is a powerful way to connect and be supported. However, this can also be very stressful because of the stigma attached to mental illness. People like to ask questions. When strangers ask, telling them as much or as little as you want is your option. There is a balance to disclosing personal information, finding your disclosure level is different for everyone. Finding that balance is important. If you tell every detail, you might overwhelm them, which will cause disconnect, if you don’t tell them anything they might feel you are hiding something and judge you, also causing disconnection. The goal here is to connect by telling your story, telling the details that will connect you to another person, making important decisions about who you will tell your story to, and the reason you are telling that particular person your story drives how much you tell of your story and which details to disclose. These are decisions you need to make beforehand. That will keep you and the person out of overwhelm and be more likely to facilitate connection.
Unfortunately, mental illness such as PTSD is an invisible disability unlike a missing limb. When you tell your story about PTSD be prepared for people to not understand. Society looks at someone who is missing a limb or has a physical scar differently. Being able to tell your story without the details can save a lot of frustration. It is possible that telling your PTSD story can change people’s understanding of what is like to be married to someone with PTSD.
How much or how little you tell anyone is up to you. So much of people’s lives are out in public and on social media today, people believe it is ok to push you to disclose to their satisfaction. You do not have to give in. After WWII, Korea, and Vietnam when someone would ask what is going on with Sam, all you had to say was he was in the war, and the subject was usually dropped. It does not appear to be that way anymore. Whatever the situation, with family, friends, or strangers to be successful at telling your story you need to be a little vulnerable. But being vulnerable does not mean you have to get into every detail. You own your story; you do not need to tell all of the details unless you want to. When you discuss your story with anyone you need to think it through. You need to decide how much or how little to divulge before you talk to others. Also recognizing what parts of the story are yours and which are his. Telling someone your husband has PTSD is very different from telling them the details of how he acquired the disorder. Your spouse has the right to tell their own story, and make decisions about which details to disclose, just as you do. Telling your spouse’s story may be overstepping, further straining the relationship.
For questions or comments, you can contact me at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit my website at www.afterdutyvets.com, and subscribe to my YouTube channel After Duty Vets or like us on Facebook at After Duty Vets.