Veterans Spouses Need to Tell Their Stories
So often the spouses of veterans struggle to keep their lives together because of problems their veteran faces. These spouses deal with their veterans needs with little to no fanfare or appreciation. These spouses forgo their needs to tend to the needs of the veteran. Anyone who has been in the military understands that they are different. Those who live with veterans know that veterans have quirks others don’t have. No one who goes in the military comes out the same. These differences carry forward with the veteran after their service is completed and passes down to the families which can be a good or bad depending on the situation.
Living with veterans daily can be difficult, veterans can be stubborn. A veteran's needs can be different from civilians. Whether it's being on time, awareness of their surroundings, and being aware of where they are sitting in a restaurant can become a problem. Veterans do not like to sit with their back to the door so they can be aware of their surroundings. This can appear odd if you don’t know why they insist on sitting with their backs to the wall. Sitting in the middle of a crowded room is uncomfortable for veterans, they feel too vulnerable.
Some spouses are dealing with veterans who have mental and physical disabilities that become a part of their lives. These disabilities can lead to a hard and frustrating life for the whole family. Some spouses struggle to make tough decisions concerning the commitment to their relationships. For so many spouses it would be easier to walk away and not have to deal with the issues the military brought into their lives. Many veteran spouses stay in their relationships to their detriment because of loyalty, love, and living out the “for better or worse commitment” they made when they married.
Spouses who live with a veteran who has a physical disability struggle as they both age. Often the physical disabilities create a problem for the spouse because of their inability to physically do what is needed concerning the physical ailments of the veteran. The mental health aspect of veterans can linger for years and be torturous for a life time for spouses. Seeing your loved one struggle with mental health issues and not having the ability to help causes its own stress and frustration. Spouses struggle to understand why their loved ones are acting the way they do because of posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD), anxiety, Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI), or a multitude of other mental health issues brought on by military service. Some spouses must deal with both the physical and mental aspects of their veteran’s issues, when spouses reach out for help, usually to the VA, they hit a huge frustrating bureaucracy.
Dealing with the VA is one of the most frustrating things any veteran or their spouse can deal with. I would say dealing with the VA is more frustrating for spouses because they don't have a lot of say on how their veteran is treated. Often regulations set by congress limit the amount of help the VA can give spouses. When it comes to mental health issues, especially PTSD, a spouse has little say in treatment. If a spouse of a veteran with PTSD goes to the VA and says, “you diagnosed my husband with PTSD and I need help, can you help me?”, the VA will tell them “no” unless the veteran is receiving treatment for PTSD themselves. It is well known veterans won't seek treatment because of the stigma and the perception the VA will just throw drugs at them and not deal with their issues. By the veteran not getting help with their PTSD it places their spouse in a tough situation. So often spouses feel they can’t stay in the relationship for their own sanity and they can’t go because they love and are committed to their relationship. What society needs to know is these spouses are taking on their burden by tending to these disabled veterans at no cost to society and a huge cost to their physical and mental wellbeing. Funding to provide spouses help for caring of disabled veterans should be a cost of war. That's why spouses need to speak up and tell their stories so they can get the help they deserve.
Spouses are the unseen heroes of the veteran community. Veterans spouses save the federal government billions of dollars by providing services that the VA and society should be paying for. Our society expects these spouses to be the good soldier and keep doing what they're doing even if it is hindrance to their health. These spouses need to start telling their stories so society can see what they're giving to the country. Without their voice, they’re taken for granted by society, the VA, and family members. I encourage spouses to speak up and tell their stories so they can get their just due and be labeled the heroes that they are.
For questions or comments, you can contact me at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit my website at www.afterdutyvets.com, and subscribe to my YouTube channel After Duty Vets or like us on Facebook at After Duty Vets.
For local mental health counseling for spouses you can call
Victor Community Support Services
(Military Family Program)
222 East Main St
Barstow, Ca. 92311
(760) 255-1496
Christian Counseling Services (CCS)
(Military Family Program)
205 E. State Street
Redlands, CA 92373
909-793-1078