Getting Out Can Be a Struggle

Joan and Carl are friends we met while stationed in Alaska. Carl was one of my troops and our families became close. We have stayed in touch over the years and it was nice when Carl called and said he was finally retiring after 23 years. One of the biggest issues we face when we get out of the military is re-integration into society. Joan called me one night and starting discussing how Carl was struggling. She said Carl was having problems re-integrating back into society and asked if I would call him. Joan was trying to find out how long it was going to take Carl to become a civilian again. Like many who retire from the military Carl has not mentally left the military. This is common for veterans, especially those that have been to war or retired. I discussed with Joan the troubles of re-integration. It took me about 5 years to integrate back into society, and I am still not totally there yet after 13 years out. She thought he would change once he got out, but true to form he didn’t. The reality is Carl may never change.

Most civilians don’t understand why veterans are the way they are, but there’s a reason. Most military members and veterans lose their identity as soon as they enter the military. Joining the military requires personal sacrifice by everyone involved.  Military recruits are socialized into the system by replacing their identity with a military identity. The recruits are told they are expected to conform to military standards no matter who they were in civilian life. Military members are infused with military values, duty, honor, loyalty, including commitment to comrades, unit, and nation above self. Active duty members can endure long hours and dangerous conditions while their families deal with frequent deployment and the challenges of maintaining a family while they are deployed. All veterans, Active Duty, National Guard and Reserves share a bond civilians and families don’t understand. There are times military bonds transcends family and marital bonds, spouses struggle to understand this, causing a host of problems in the family unit. This can carry into civilian life after they get out not only with their family but with their employeers and society.

For veterans finding a job is imperative. Carl struggled to find a good job that made him happy. Many have to move to a location where the jobs are, away from their biological families. For veterans it is difficult to go from leading troops and command situations to working in a position that has no real future. Many find it difficult to go from a totally structured environment like the military to a totally unstructured one like school or a civilian job. Veterans are used to commanding troops and having responsibility for millions of dollars in equipment, jobs at minimum wage can be demoralizing. Carl eventually found a job as a mechanic, but his skill set was more in line with being the one in charge running the shop.  

Carl also struggled with the attitude of people in the civilian sector, he does not understand why civilians were so different than him. To him his way was the only one that made since, what was wrong with them?  He struggles with why people worry about what he deems as irrelevant issues. Many veterans feel after you have been to war it is a minor inconvenience that your computer will not connect to the internet. Some civilians treat this as a catastrophe, to many veterans it is unimportant. They really don’t care. We still have our brothers and sisters fighting in a war, we don’t care about Hollywood issues or minor problems. Many veterans still look at daily events because we still have friends in the military in danger.

Some veterans isolate when they get out hoping to become comfortable with themselves. Some never get that comfort back. Some learn to manage the guilt and shame of war, while others continue to struggle. Most miss the comradery they had with their military buddies. Once out veterans must depend on those who don’t understand them. Getting out can be scary and hard on the members and their families. Many continue to struggle with the change and loss of friendships and comradery. It is important they grieve the loss to help them move forward. When asked, most veterans will tell you they miss the comradery most of all. Getting out is scary and can become a struggle, they need support from their community, help them when you can.

For questions or comments, you can contact me at afterdutyvets@gmail.com or visit my website at www.afterdutyvets.com, and subscribe to my YouTube channel After Duty Vets or like us on Facebook at After Duty Vets.